


Supernatural - The Lessons I Learned

by SiSuSi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Essays, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-02-28 17:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18760876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiSuSi/pseuds/SiSuSi
Summary: This essay is basically my way of honoring my favorite show - Supernatural. I'll go into detail about certain aspects of the show and why it's so incredibly genius and life-changing, since I didn't only grow up with it, but also learned a lot of lessons from it. If you want to join me on this trip, go on and read :)





	1. Captain Obvious and the Funny Shits

##  1\. Captain Obvious and the Funny Shits

Hello everyone! So this is it, the start of something I wanted to do for a long time. But now that we’re about to reach the very last season, I thought I should finally get my ass up and start.  
I’m basically just about to rant over how amazing this show is, for it’s a show I literally grew up with. It’s been there a whole lot of time and I feel like my heart will shatter to peaces the day I watch the very last episode.  
But fear not! I’m not about to give you all the feels throughout all of this essay - I think we’re all feeling a lot lately anyway, no need to add oil to the fire - I’m just trying to honor my favorite show in my own little humble kind of way.

But actually uh… I’ll start with feels… ha! There goes my promise.  
_Why not start with the obvious and speak about the characters?_ One could ask.  
Well, it would be an obvious choice to start with them, BUTT! — *cough* I mean BUT! I just can’t, I need to start with feels.  
So throughout the first couple of chapters of this essay, I’m going to talk about the feelings this show gives me - and probably you as well. 

Starting with…

#### Feels Part 1: The Funny Shits

Yeah, I know, this is a thing, right? I mean, Supernatural is supposed to be a show about monsters, like scary and spooky. Dark. Gloomy.  
But no. No, no, no. Sometimes Supernatural would just throw episodes at us that are funny as shit with uh… funny shits that are supposed to be serious characters. It’s like the writers and show runners think _hey, guys, there’s been a lot of drama and hurt, maybe we should make them laugh a little, so they don’t become sobbing little messes rocking themselves on the ground in some corner._

Yes. Yes, we do need that sometimes, don’t we? We need a good laugh to forget for a brief moment how much this show screws us up deep inside, hearts crying and faces, too. Sometimes we just need to see our beloved characters happy and funny and joking around. And even when we know that they’re gonna be broken and sad again next time we see them, it helps. A little. A tiny little bit. 

And there’s a lesson there, too. A very important one. One that my dad also always gave me speeches about.  
_**No matter how hard life gets, no matter if you’re lying on the ground or standing up straight, no matter if you’re sick and dying or you lose someone you love… don’t you ever dare stop laughing and smiling that sunshiny smile of yours.**_  
These were my dad’s exact words (of course he said them in German, but the translation covers it perfectly). And Supernatural does that, doesn't it? It makes us laugh and smile. 

So, while I know that almost every episode got a little funny in them, here’s my personal **Top 11 funniest Supernatural episodes** :  
(yes, I’m aware that one does not simply make it 11 instead of 10, but I need that additional one!)

##### 11: Mystery Spot (3x11)

So, I’ll just assume that everyone knows that episode. It’s the one in which Dean dies the most, as well as it’s one of the first ones proving that in Supernatural death is quite an impermanent state of being (apart from the one in season 2 where Sam gets resurrected from the dead by Dean and a demon deal, of course), which has quite a comical taint to it as well and often gets joked about. 

_Mystery Spot_ starts rather serious and even sad, when Dean dies for the first time. And even when it’s incredibly traumatic for Sam to see his brother die over and over again, the ways Dean dies are still kind of funny. Like choking on a sausage, a taco that “tastes funny“, getting hit by a desk falling on him. Let’s not lie, it’s funny. And it’s meant to be funny. 

Then we have that element of “Heat of the Moment“ by Asia playing at the start of each Tuesday. It’s annoying the shit out of Sam, it also annoyed the shit out of me to be honest. But it’s hilarious how Dean enjoys the song every fucking time, performing along.

_“It was the heat of the moment_  
_Telling me what your heart meant_  
_The heat of the moment shone in your eyes“_

So tragic, so ironic. It’s just brilliant. 

Also, remember that scene Sam repeats the exact same words Dean says. 

_“You think you’re being funny but you’re really, really childish.“_  
_“Sam Winchester wears make up.“_  
_“Sam Winchester cries his way through sex.“_  
_“Sam Winchester keeps a ruler by the bed and every morning he wakes up—“_

##### 10: Wishful Thinking (4x08)

I believe I won’t have to explain into detail why this episode is funny, right? It just is. But let me go on about two things here that I think were the funniest. 

1) Before they even find out that it’s all about the wishing well at Lucky Chin’s, they’re so damn confused about everything they find out. Like, a polite ghost that’s scared of someone telling his mum? (Turning out to be just a pervy teen boy) Supposedly Bigfoot’s tracks leading to a liquor store? All weird enough.  
2) But then comes little Audrey, dropping a box full of alcohol and porn with a sorry note. The fuck? Turns out Audrey’s giant Teddy Bear is very real and very deep inside a serious existential crisis, getting drunk and crying at news reports. If that’s not the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen, then what?  
  
_Sam: Are we… Should we… Uh, are we gonna kill this teddy bear?_  
_Dean: How? Do we shoot it, burn it?_  
_Sam: I don’t know. Both?_  
_Dean: How do we even know that’s gonna work? I don’t want some giant, flaming, pissed-off teddy on our hands._  
_Sam: Yeah. Besides, I get the feeling that the bear isn't really the, you know, core problem here._

##### 9: Just My Imagination (11x08)

Really, I mean… come on. Imaginary Friends? This is gold! 

Sully is the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen, so chubby, so cutely dressed, so nice and kind. But deep down inside also so wise. 

And then there’s Sparkle. The fuck kind of drugs did the writers take to come up with him? I fell deeply in love with that character the minute I first lay eyes on him. Why? Because he sparkles, bitch. He sparkles.  
I mean…  
_Dean: Oh, oh yeah. That kid is gonna need all the shrinks._  
_Sam: Wait a second, so his blood is glittery?_  
_Sully: Even when he's dead, Sparkle can't stop shining._

Though, I must say - despite all the adorableness of the imaginary friends - the funniest thing in that episode (for me personally) would be Dean’s face during the whole thing. He just seems like he’s given himself up to his confusion, he looks like he thinks _what the actual fuck_ all the freaking time.

##### 8: Dog Dean Afternoon (9x05)

That moment when your brother has an angry conversation with a pigeon in the middle of a parking lot and you just wave to people staring like _hi there, all normal over here._

Isn’t Dean talking and arguing with a dog the most adorable thing? Yes. Yes, it is. 

I’m not even gonna say more, this episode clearly earned its place in this Top 11.

##### 7: Bad Day At Black Rock (3x03)

Okay, first off I want to say that I actually got my little sister a real rabbit’s foot. Honestly, I don’t know whether I meant to give her some luck, or just thought it was funny. She instantly locked it away in a box and never took it out since. Haha. 

Anyways, this episode got lots of funny quotes that are still going around as inside jokes, 11 seasons later. Let me quote two of my favorites for you…  


>   
> Sam: I lost my shoe.
> 
> Dean: I'm Batman!  
> 

I just love Sam falling unlucky, losing his stuff, tripping over and just being a constant annoying burden. And then - when you think it can’t get any funnier - there’s Dean being lucky, throwing a pen right into a gun and smirking like a little boy.  
I mean, seriously? Those two are hunters! Saving people, hunting things! Risking their lives and being in permanent danger. And then… then they’re also funny little shits.

##### 6: Frontierland (6x18)

>   
> Sam: Dean, I can -- I can wear this.  
> Dean: And look like a spaceman?  
> Sam: Look, just because you're obsessed with all that Wild West stuff—  
> Dean: No, I'm not.  
> Sam: You have a fetish.  
> Dean: Shut up. I like old movies.  
> 

No, seriously, I love Dean’s Wild West fetish. He knows all about it, worships it even. And giving himself the alias Clint Eastwood, haha. I mean, this episode is just throughout amazing.

##### 5: French Mistake (6x15)

Can we talk about this for a moment? Actors playing their characters playing the actors playing their characters — _what?_

And the lines…

>   
> Make-Up Artist: Okay, hon, we're just gonna get this makeup off your face.  
> Dean: Wha--I'm not wearing any ma-- Oh, crap! I'm a painted whore!  
> 

Also, Dean not able to handle the names of them. And then there’s the fact that they’re practically making fun of themselves during the entire episode. 

>   
> Bob Singer: I'd like to think that over these years we've grown closer, that you don't think of me as 'director Bob' or executive producer 'Bob Singer,' but as Uncle Bob.  
> Sam: You're kidding? So the character in the show - Bobby Singer…  
> Dean: What kind of a douchebag names a character after himself?  
> Sam: Oh that's not right!  
> 

I honestly can’t even pinpoint what’s the funniest part about _French Mistake_ , because it’s all so freaking hilarious, don’t you think?

##### 4: Changing Channels (5x08)

Okay, so I won’t talk too much about this episode, because it’s going to be part of one of the later chapters of this essay, when I want to talk about the different genres in Supernatural. 

But… I mean, seriously. _I’ve got genital herpes._  
Dean’s secret man crush Dr Sexy and his cowboy boots (there we got the Wild West fetish again).

I feel like every single episode that has the Trickster (a.k.a. Gabriel) in them is just straight out gold. 

_Dean: I hate this game. I hate that we're in a procedural cop show and you wanna know why? Because I hate procedural cop shows. There's like three hundred of them on television and they're all the freaking same. It's ooh, plane crashed here—oh shut up._

##### 3: Clap Your Hands If You Believe (6x09)

_Fight the ferries!_

Do I even have to say more? I mean, Soulless!Sam is one of the funniest things ever (I know, also a complete asshole, but hey…)

And the _glowing, hot, naked lady with nipples_ who hit Dean? I mean… come on. I can’t even begin to describe where the hilarious starts and where it never ends in this episode. I can’t. Cause it’s fucking all funny. 

Let’s try and summarize this piece of comedy art in one sentence, shall we?

A man and his soulless empathy-lacking asshole of a brother desperately try to work a supernatural hunting case that has angry naked flying ladies with nipples, U.F.O.s and elves working for some guy, stupidly fighting their way through it, while one is constantly annoyed and the other sleeps with some hippie woman, when his brother gets kidnapped by aliens. _What_. Yes. This is a scary show, I know.

##### 2: Yellow Fever (4x06)

We’re reaching the top of that Top 11, guys. I wasn't quite sure why _Yellow Fever_ is my second funniest episode, and I think I’m still not entirely sure. But it just is. I feel like I watched it about two dozen times by now and I can’t get over how funny it is. I just like my Dean scared and a little cute. I mean…

_I don’t want to be a clue._

Little boy scared of anything, giving the cutest cries and only daring to hold the flashlight. He barely ever got any more adorable than in that episode.

##### 1: Tall Tales (2x15)

Yes, another Trickster (a.k.a. Gabriel) episode, because, let’s be honest, he’s a funny motherfucker. This is one of my favorite episodes of all times and I also think it’s the funniest. 

It’s not just the absurdity of a teenager being abducted by aliens and forced to slow-dance with them, or a scientist getting killed by an alligator, or the mere irony all of it holds. 

It’s not even Dean and Sam arguing like an old married couple and Bobby pointing it out. 

It’s… I mean, the way they tell the story, the way they see how it happened so differently… 

How Sam sees Dean? He sees him as a drinking shitbag, sweet-talking to a rather slutty lady called Starla (or whatever) and stuffing his mouth with candy, not paying attention to what they were actually working on. A stupid and silly womanizer, mostly just annoying. 

And how does Dean see Sam then? He sees him as a bitchy ass, always talking to much and caring too much, and _blah blah blahblahblahblaah blah!_

Of course, they’re only under the influence of that Trickster. And man, did I have fun nights with that Purple Nurple stuff…

 

So yeah, this was my Top 11 of funniest Supernatural episodes. Let’s come to Captain Obvious now, shall we?

#### Still Feels Part 1: Captain Obvious and the never ending Winchester logic

_Captain Obvious— Man or woman, who speaks words of wisdom, sharing it with their fellow people, e.g. pointing out that rain is wet._

_Winchester logic — Logic that is so logical that it doesn't even really make sense, while it actually makes a lot of sense._

 

So, now that we’re clear about the terms, let’s discuss how badly characters in Supernatural are **Captain Obviouses**.

Let’s start with Sam here, because he’s a bright star shining in the hall of fame of obviousness. Here, have some examples: 

_“If there’s a key, there has to be a lock.“_ — Yeah, thanks Sammy, I wouldn't have known that without you. 

_“It was night, and now it’s day.“_ — That pokerface he got in that scene, though. He’s quite serious about his realization and no one seems to get that the lighting changed. Poor guy. 

_[Dean: Where do we even get a gun?] “I don’t know. Gun store?“_ — Wow, really? Thanks, don’t have to google that then.

 

Okay, that was quite a lot of Captain Obvious, but then there’s Dean…

_“You know who spies on people, Cas? Spies.“_ — Thanks, Dean.

_“I observe with my eyes.“_ — Personally, I do that with my hands, but I often get punched in the face after, so what the hell do I know…

_“This isn’t gonna hurt at all. Unless it hurts.“_ — I… what?

_“Those bitches can be… real bitches.“_ — (I don’t even have any comment for that)

 

And now let’s have some examples of **Winchester logic** , because this is just too enjoyable: 

_“Yesterday was Tuesday, but today is Tuesday, too.“_ (Sam)

_“Accidents don’t just happen accidentally.“_ (Dean) — Well uh… yeah they do, actually. 

_“I mean it wasn't you, alright? I mean, yeah it might have been you, but it wasn't you.“_ (Dean)

_“You’re four years older than me, Dean.“_ (Sam)  
_“Since when?“_ (Dean)  
_“Since birth!“_ (Sam)

_“One for yes, two for no. You alive?“_ (Dean) — I know we’ve all asked ourselves, how he would manage to knock twice if he’s dead…

 

I am aware that there are probably tons of more examples out there, but I won’t quote all of them here now. Why? Because I’m a lazy-ass quoter, that’s why. 

We reached the end of this chapter now. Thanks for allowing me to rant on about how funny this show is, it was a pleasure, just as much as it was an honor.  
And never forget to laugh and smile, you precious little ferries with nipples.

Next time we’re going deeper into our feelings, talking about… _**sad**_. Funtime’s over, guys, now we’ll hop just right on that train to sorrow land and tear town. Feels Part 2, ladies and gentlemen, might make my heart break even more (even if - at this state - it’s already nothing more than a pile of shattered pieces in a puddle of tears), so excuse me while I’ll start sobbing a little already. 

Hey, and maybe you tell me about your favorite funny episodes and quotes, I’d like that.

Sincerely,

SiSuSi.


	2. Sometimes We Cry an Ocean, Sometimes It's a Single Tear

## 2\. Sometimes We Cry an Ocean, Sometimes It’s a Single Tear

Hello, fellow sobbing messes. As promised last time, we’ll wallow in a puddle of sadness and heartbreak today. I feel particularly unable to talk about the topic of sadness in Supernatural lately, for I’m suffering from a serious depressed state of being both dry of tears (because of too much crying) and drowning in new tears (because I still seem to have some left).  
Why? Not because of personal problems, actually, but for the constant stabs by movies, shows and other things. _End Game_ got me good, it practically felt like a bulldozer ran over my soul. Then there was the season final of Supernatural’s Season 14. Don’t get me start on that. The mere fact that we only have one season left now and the fear of how Supernatural will eventually end forever. And then - because I’m a very smart and reasonable individual - I thought, _hey, why not finally read that Twist and Shout fan fiction everyone talks about?_  
That was the worst decision I ever made, I believe.  
But let’s start now. Here’s…  


#### Feels Part 2: The Heartbreak and Sadness of Supernatural

When I started planning this chapter, I thought about making a list of the saddest episodes, the way I did it last chapter with the funny ones. But let’s be honest, they’re almost _all_ sad. So instead, I’ll just point out a few aspects concerning this topic. 

But before we start with the first aspect, let’s ask ourselves the question: _What does sad mean?_  
Well, that’s a very complicated question to answer with words, which is natural, concerning that we’re talking about feelings here. They’re not meant to be described like a table or any other object, they’re meant to be felt. And while I know that each and every one of you guys knows exactly what it feels like to be sad, I’d like to point out that there are different kinds of sad.

**A)** _Guilty-sad_ : you’re guilty-sad, when you’re feeling remorse or are ashamed of something you did, basically you’re sad because of yourself and/or your actions  
**B)** _Abandoned-sad_ : that’s pretty much self-explaining, it occurs when you’re being ignored or victimized, so you’re sad because of someone else and/or their actions  
**C)** _Desperate-sad_ : it’s when you’re sad, because you’re powerless or vulnerable, that can be because of yourself or others  
**D)** _Depressed-sad_ : when you’re feeling inferior or even empty  
**E)** _Lonely-sad_ : that’s also for abandonment or for isolation, so it’s also either because of yourself or others, sometimes maybe both  
**F)** _Bored-sad_ : sounds weird at first, right? Boredom doesn't really lead to sadness, you could think. But being bored can also mean being apathetic or indifferent, and that’s a certain kind of sadness we often see in Dean, even when it’s just a charade sometimes

That said, let’s start with the first aspect of the heartbreak and sadness in Supernatural.  


##### Different Kinds of Crying and Reacting to Sadness

No, I don’t mean us fans here. I mean the characters. Let’s start with Dean.

Dean isn’t a convulsive cryer, hell, he doesn’t even cry half as much as everyone else. _Wait, I said hell… oh crap…_  
But when he does, he does it in his own special way - _The Single Man Tear_. It’s so special and clearly happening a lot that it not only got its own term, but even an own song in the musical in the episode _Fan Fiction_. It happens, when Dean is so sad and hurt that he can’t physically hold it back anymore, so a single bitter tear escapes his firm suppressing and burns down his cheek.  
Honestly, I have no clue how Jensen does that, but it’s brillant. It just is. It breaks my heart every freaking time. 

Let’s move on to Sam. The younger of the Winchester brothers handles his sadness in a whole different way. He doesn't suppress, he doesn’t hold it back or hides it. He feels it, mostly sobbing violently, his face covered in tears completely and his voice broken and hoarse.  
For me personally, he sometimes looks like a little kid. Like the little brother that needs consoling from his big brother Dean. And if that’s not heartbreaking, then what is?

Okay, I’m already feeling that familiar lump in my throat, how about you guys? But there are other important characters of the show that have different reactions to sadness, whether it’s their own or just a general one.  
Let’s start with the Winchesters’ parents. I actually don’t even remember if we ever see Mary crying, but even if we did, I believe there’s nothing special about it, or I would’ve memorized it (because I’m that kind of a creep that memorizes the way people cry). But what I do remember is that saddening expression of defeat she always wears when she’s sad. It’s like in that moment she would realize how badly she has screwed up - even when sometimes it’s not her fault.  
And John? Well, despite the fact that he’s a stubborn asshole of a man, he does - indeed - cry. It’s not like he would allow himself to sob or let his face be covered in tears, but you can clearly see the tears in his eyes, when he’s devastated. And the special thing about his way of crying is his smile that is trying to hide away the fact that he’s showing emotions other than sheer anger or disappointment.  
Bobby. He barely ever cries at all. I don’t know whether it’s his age or the way he was raised into it by his mother, so his father wouldn’t get angry and beat him for crying, but I would say - even when he doesn't actually cry - he has his own certain way of showing emotions. I’m not sure if I’m only imagining it, but for example that one time he finds out about Dean’s demon deal, I feel like his voice changes into a completely different one, and it’s like that every time when he’s sad. It’s showing pure hysteria of desperation in it, swinging and shaking his vocal cords to a degree that really catches me every time.  
And then there’s Castiel. Our favorite angel, and meanwhile one of the main characters himself, doesn't cry. How does he deal with and show his hurt? His face. It’s that shattered, broken face of his, glassy and weary eyes, the corners of his mouth looking like falling down in the abyss and his entire expression mere heartbreak. _Ow…_

So you can see all these characters (and also the ones I didn’t discuss here) have developed their own kind of crying and reacting to sadness. _But what makes them (and us as well) sad then?_  


##### Dean’s Relationship to John

Yes, this is a very important topic. Weren’t it for John, Dean and Sam never would’ve started hunting in the first place. They would live normal (maybe boring) lives and be sad like normal people (and with that I mean about _normal stuff like a break-up or the loss of a family member in a total ordinary way_ ). But they are not ordinary, and that’s on John. Not entirely, because it was all planned out and predicted, prophecies and all that crap, but it’s also on John. 

Let’s talk about that one time Dean knew it wasn't John talking, but Azazel, his father possessed by the yellow-eyed demon, just for the mere realization that he was too nice to him. That’s about the most important thing you need to know about their relationship. 

And the way John treated his son cries out A+ parenting as well (beware of sarcasm). He rose Dean like a soldier, obedient and shutting his cake hole about almost anything. Even when John was mad and yelled at him, Dean would just take the hit silently. Even when John was just taking it out on him, while it wasn't even about Dean at all, he would endure it. It’s like hitting a wall when you’re angry, so you don’t hit the person in front of you, because the wall can’t feel it, right? Dean is in fact John’s wall, only that he can feel the hits. 

I could go on and on about this, because it’s a very interesting topic and it explains a lot (if not all) of Dean’s behavior - I honestly didn't understand (at first) why Dean is even sad, when his father dies (that’s a subject for another essay, though). But what’s far more important for me at this point of this particular essay is:

Dean doesn't fight back to his father, even when he’s beaten - emotionally or physically. And, sadly, that’s not only the case with John, although it might have started it all. Maybe.   
But Dean doesn't fight back towards all of his family. He’s that brave little warrior, fighting and beating and punching and slicing his way through his monster world, but when he gets hit by one of his family, he just… he takes it.   
He endures it, when Sam hits him (admittedly because he’s possessed by Lucifer) for the simple reason that he doesn't want Sammy to be alone.   
He also endures it, when Cas beats him up (several times even). Okay, he can’t do too much against him, but he doesn't even try. 

And - for me - that’s sadness in its highest form. Why? Because Dean manages to hold all the kinds of sadness at once. He always feels _guilty_ about something, he is also always _abandoned_ in some way (victimized by the people around him, starting with his father), he is _desperate_ for being powerless and vulnerable, he’s depressed (let’s not talk about how empty he feels, because I might fall apart by that), he’s _lonely_ and even when it’s mostly just an act, he’s _apathetic_.

##### The Child That Never Fit In

Now, let’s have a look at Sam’s side of the play. His entire life Sam tries to fit in somehow. He tries to be normal. He tries to have a normal life. He tries to become a lawyer, not a hunter. He tries so hard, but ultimately, he doesn't succeed. 

And while there are a lot of times in his life where he doesn't quite feel like he belongs, the most tragic one would be the reason why he tries to have a normal life to begin with. His family. He doesn't feel like one of them. He’s not trying to get revenge like his father, he’s not into hunting and he isn't the obedient soldier his brother is. He just can’t fit in and he can’t make himself pretend. 

Then there’s the fact that he has demon blood circulating in his system, which makes him the ultimate freak. He starts having visions and develops supernatural powers, which only makes him even less like his family. He’s quite the opposite of his family now, he’s a creature. Dean wouldn't see that, but John did, or he wouldn't have told Dean that he might have to kill his brother. 

Sam goes through several other occasions where he just didn’t manage to fit in. The time when he is soulless. The time he spends with Amelia, while Dean’s in purgatory, trying really hard to fit in, but when his brother’s back he just can’t help it any longer and finds back to what they do best: hunting. 

So, yes, Sam is a lot of things, but he is not like everyone else. Eventually he becomes better at finding his place in the world throughout time, but it didn’t go without all that sadness. Let’s have a look at the different types of sadness again. He feels _guilty_ for some of his actions, he feels _abandoned_ by his father, he is _desperate_ to find somewhere he belongs, he is _depressed_ for feeling inferior because of his differentness. The only difference to Dean is that - I think - he’s not feeling half as _lonely_ as his brother (because he has his brother) and he never acts like he’s _apathetic_ or _indifferent_ towards anything.  


##### The Never Ending Story of Death

Sometimes I can’t help a little nervous chuckle, as I think of Supernatural and then of that one sentence I used in one of my fan fiction stories. 

_He realized how short life can be and how deadly it ends._

It kind of is a brillant sentence, I think, but I’m sure I didn't invent it, but read a similar version of it somewhere. (Maybe in a John Green book or something, whatever).  
The point is, the life of a hunter might be short and it definitely ends in death, but then again, it doesn’t always end with death, because, like I already mentioned in the previous chapter, Supernatural has the habit of resurrecting people over and over again. 

But even when we sometimes make fun of that, oh god, all the losses they’ve been through - some of them even several times.  
They lost Mary, their mother, and then even John, their father. Knowing what it feels like, for I myself lost a parent, that’s just too much to cope with. It breaks your heart in a way you can only imagine when experiencing it yourself.  
And while the average person would’ve lost grip on their life and mental health at that already, our characters get kicked in their heart by losing people over and over again. They lost Jess. They lost Jo and Ellen. Bobby. Kevin. Charlie. Cas, more than once.  
They lose each other several times.

And then, when we, the audience, naively think that it’s already more than they can take, what do they do to our characters? Make them lose more? Yes, but not just that. They give them back some of the lost ones, so they can be happy for a moment, just so it would hurt even more when they lose them again.  
They got them Mary back, killed her eventually. They even got John back, but no, no, no, _here, have him for less than a day and then he’ll be gone again._  
That happens quite often, but I think the cruelest thing they ever did in that section is giving them a whole new family member, Jack, letting him grow into basically their son, even letting them feel and express that he’s like their son. And just after they turn him into some kind of monster, making Dean want to kill him, but also making Dean realize just a moment before he does that he can’t do it, they take Jack from them as well (and that’s even the second time Jack dies, because double the hit makes double the fun).

So, losses. Losses make us break. And if breaking wasn’t some kind of metaphoric term, but it would actually break something from our being, like literally physically, then Dean and Sam would barely have anything left to be. Which is true in a way.  


##### Brokenness - And How They Deal with it

Let’s stay at being broken for a minute. There’s several things - apart from the death of people they love - that broke them. But not just the why and how of the breaking itself is sad. Sad is also the ways they deal with that condition. Watching someone struggle with their hurt is always hard, but watching them struggle in an unhealthy way is even worse. 

There we have Bobby (and I mention him that often, because, even when he isn't there throughout all the journey, he’s a very important character). Bobby struggles with a lot of things, but I think the deepest and saddest of them is him losing his beloved wife. Twice. Having to kill her by himself. And how does he deal? He drinks. 

Then we have Sam. He struggles with the fact that he has demon blood in him. He falls into a demon blood addiction then. He struggles after his experience in Lucifer’s cage. And how does he deal? Well, actually, that question is beyond me, for I’m simply not sure he ever even deals with it at all. Correct me if I’m wrong (or if you see it differently), but the way I see it, the thing Sam has always done and probably always will do is trying to be normal. So, yeah, he deals with it, but he deals with it by just going on with his life. Ultimately, he lives his way through it. 

Castiel also has his own little brokenness. He used to be an angel of the Lord, a warrior of heaven. He used to have his brothers and sisters, a home in heaven, safety in obeying the orders from up above. But then he eventually falls, he falls for earth and for feelings and for humanity. And he doesn't even only fall once - metaphorically speaking - he falls over and over again. And how does he deal? He deals with making the wrongest choices for the rightest reasons. Sadly, failing again and again and breaking even more. 

And then there’s Dean. Dean struggles with so many things that I don’t even know where to begin. His experiences in hell and in purgatory, his childhood, his duty to protect his brother, and on and on and on. And I think he deals with it in the most unhealthy way of them all. Just like his surrogate father (who he’d probably learned it from) he drinks. He drinks so much that sometimes I wonder why he hasn't died from it yet. And not just that, he also denies and suppresses in ways that just can’t be healthy. And I understand why he’s doing it, I do. He’s scared to hit people with what bothers him, like a punch in their faces, like he would project the trouble within him on other people if he spoke about it. And every day he feels more of that trouble add to it, and eventually it will explode, and he only hopes no one will be around to get hit by that explosion. Of course, I don’t know if that’s actually true, but being excellent at denying and suppressing myself, that’s the way I feel and I can imagine it can only be even worse for Dean.

So, as the time goes, the monsters they hunt crept from the shadows and places they hid to inside their heads and made them the broken messes they are.  


##### How to Feel Perfectly Worthless - A Guide by The Winchesters

Let’s concentrate on Dean and Sam here, because there’s a lot of feeling worthless in basically all the characters of the show, but this would just overshoot the capacity of this chapter. 

Dean Winchester practically feels worthless all the freaking time. He feels worthless, because his own father wouldn't see an actual person in him, but only an obedient soldier serving him and his purposes, only alive to watch out for Sammy.  
He feels worthless, because he couldn't bear the torture in hell and started torturing himself, even enjoying it.  
He feels worthless, because, despite his career in hell, he was saved. He doesn't believe he deserves it.  
Like I said, he feels worthless throughout all his life, there are tons of other points on this list. But I want to talk about one particular scene that shows in the best way that he actually does feel that way. It’s that scene in Bobby’s house, when Dean considers saying yes to Michael to be his vessel. He doesn't feel like he can help in any other way, he’s powerless (here we have that desperate kind of sad again), and he believes the only thing he can do is making himself the Michael’s Sword. So in order to make everyone else believe that, too, he starts pushing all of them away, so they would want him to leave. He tells Bobby that he’s not his father, knowing that’ll hurt him the most. He tells Sam he doesn't believe in him, knowing that’ll cut the deepest. He makes several sexual mocking comments towards Cas to provoke him and make him angry (probably knowing Cas might be attracted to him, but let’s not go all the way down Destiel Lane here).  
He pushes them way, so they would finally see what he sees: he’s worthless.

His little brother Sam feels worthless a lot as well (might run the family). For him it’s because he fails his brother over and over again. First he leaves him alone with their father, going to Stanford. Then he fails to save Dean from hell. Then he gets addicted to demon blood and works with the demon Ruby. Then he releases Lucifer (accidentally). Et cetera, et cetera. Basically, he constantly chooses the wrong paths (even when for the right reasons). He feels like he can’t do anything right, he feels like a failure. Every time he wants to fix things, he just ends up getting people killed. And even when Dean punishes him a lot for his mistakes, no one could ever punish him more than himself. Sam Winchester feels worthless, because he fails, and he feels horribly guilty about it as well.  


##### The Upshot was that…

… all they have been through, all they have lost, all they have suffered from, all the times they failed and all the times they won… it’s a heartbreaking journey and a trip to sorrow and pain and regret and guilt, for both, them and us.  
To be honest, I never felt so much compassion towards any fictional character than for the ones in Supernatural.  
I came to the alarming and frightening conclusion that by starting to watch that show (many, many years ago) I may have gotten on a train. Said train is filled with people that I haven’t known at first, but from the very first minute on I felt like they were important and in a strange way familiar. And that train is headed somewhere I probably never actually intended to end up at. But I’m kind of enjoying the trip. 

It’s funny how we can enjoy the pain sometimes, isn't it? As it is for me, I sometimes need to feel sad and hurt by fictional characters of a fictional show, so I’m able to express feelings of the real me and the real world. It’s good to cry sometimes. 

When I think of that concept I just described, there’s always a song coming to my mind. It’s _Modern Flame_ by Emmit Fenn. Probably not all of you know that song, but let me just quote a part of the lyrics for you:

>   
>  Take away the pain  
>  Tear me down in flames  
>  Touch me like you do  
>  Fall right back to you  
>  Only to the cloud  
>  With me when I'm foul  
>  Touch me like you do  
>  Fall right back to you  
> 

I know that Emmit Fenn is talking about some loved person, a lover or something like that, but I can’t help adapting it to how I feel about the show.  
It takes my pain away by making me happy. It tears me down in flames by constantly hurting me as well. It touches me, so I fall right back into it, over and over again.  
What I’m trying to say here is that Supernatural is a place for me to laugh and enjoy and be scared and, well, to cry. A safe spot where I can feel whatever I need to feel, while I’m too scared to feel it somewhere else.

But enough with the metaphors and philosophy now, because there’s something important I still need to say:

There’s another lesson I learned here. _**Life is hard. Life is sad. Life is full of heartbreak and hurt. And it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel the pain. Always keep fighting, though.**_

I’d like to end this chapter with one of my favorite quotes. It’s from the book “Will Grayson, Will Grayson“ by John Green and David Levithan.

_“Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters.”_

__  
Thanks for reading, I hope I didn't make you wallow in feels too much with this. Next time, I promise, we’ll have a topic a little more cheerful. We’ll talk about happiness.

Sincerely,

SiSuSi.


	3. Sparks Of Happiness And Apple Pie

## 3\. Sparks Of Happiness And Apple Pie

Hello everyone! As promised, this chapter will be about happiness. When I thought about making this chapter, I really had some scenes in my head, only blurry ideas, though. But then I started planning it and thought about them and I thought to myself… _Well, fuck._  
So, even when I said that this chapter will be more cheerful than the previous one, I caught myself lying, because it won’t. Sorry.

But let’s start now. Here’s…

#### Feels Part 3: Happiness

Before we dig deeper into it, let’s talk about one thing first: _What the hell is happiness?_

You know that feeling, when you think of a concept or an idea and inside your head, where everything just whirls around chaotically without any order, it seems easy and like making sense, but then you try to put it in words and you realize that it’s not easy at all? Defining happiness isn’t even possible. It just isn’t. But I did a little reading and research to get some help with it, discovering that… everyone else doesn't have a fucking clue either.  
BUT: I found some points that could help through this chapter, which will be the first angles we’ll regard this topic from.

**1.** Happiness is a state, not a trait; in other words, it isn't a long-lasting, permanent feature or personality trait, but a more fleeting, changeable state.  
**2.** Happiness can be either feeling or showing, meaning that happiness is not necessarily an internal or external experience, but can be both.  
**3.** Happiness depends on the collection of past experience and/or collection of positive experiences in the present.

So, let’s talk about these aspects. The first one makes perfectly sense, right? No one is born happy or is happy all the time, that’s just not possible. No matter how great someone’s life is, we humans always find something to be unhappy about. It really is just an impermanent state caused by something.  
_What causes happiness then?_  
Well, there are different things that can make people happy, but it really depends on the person. Some are happy, because they have their family around. Some are happy by being successful. Some by fulfilling a dream. And some are happy, because they made it through difficult and bad times and imagine a better future, like after a war or a decease or problems within their family or financial problems et cetera.  
_And the Winchesters?_  
I don’t want to go too deep into this at this point, because I will do that throughout this chapter, but let’s just compare these examples for what can cause happiness to their life for a moment. Do they have their family around? Well, they have each other, but the rest of their family is clearly mostly dead. Even when they try to form a new family with Bobby and Cas and Jack, they just end up losing people again.  
Are they successful? They’re good at what they do, hunting, we won’t argue about that, right? But is it really what they want to be successful at? Are they good at it, because they want to be? I’m not quite sure, to be honest. Sometimes I feel like they really like what they’re doing, they really like being good at hunting. But then again, they didn't _choose_ to do that, they were forced into it.  
Are they fulfilling any dreams? No. Just no, let’s be honest. What they are dreaming about isn't anywhere near what they actually achieve. I think what Sam really dreams about is a normal life and Dean, well, he at least dreams about Sam having a normal life.  
Did they make it through difficult and bad times? Yes, actually, they did. A lot. But each time they make it through, something else creeps up their spines and starts a new difficult phase. It’s the endless story of their life, I guess. 

The second one, happiness being either feeling or showing, not necessarily an internal or external experience, might seem vaguely important. We all know that sometimes people show their happiness, bright smile, glowing eyes, maybe laughing even, and all that, and we also know that you can feel happy, but not show it on the outside. It just really depends on the person. Some show, some don’t. Just like some of us don’t show their sadness to others, happiness is - even if one of the most important feelings - just that, a feeling. Everyone expresses them differently. And as I said, it’s an important feeling, but it’s not one of the strongest ones. Why? Because we humans tend to forget about realizing how happy we actually are, for the mere reason that we have other, stronger, feelings to distract us. And that’s the tiny little connection to the Winchester brothers here. They _are_ happy sometimes. Sometimes you can tell by their expression, sometimes it’s just a small little hint. And I feel like the latter occurs in those precious moments when one of them realizes for a split second that they are, in fact, happy. In some way. 

Now let’s look at the third and last point. Happiness depends on the collection of past experience and/or collection of positive experiences in the present. Well, _haha_ … Let’s make it short and hurtful: past experiences? Awful. Experiences in the present? Still awful. 

Now, you would think they are just a bunch of really unhappy fellas, right? That’s not entirely wrong, it’s not entirely true either, though. Even when there are only teeny-tiny sparks - there are moments of actual happiness in Supernatural. They are rare and precious so, and I won’t lie, I had to think long and hard about it at first, but eventually I figured out what makes the Winchesters happy.

##### Happiness’s Pursuit of Dean and Sam

You read that right, I mean the headline. Dean and Sam never seem to actually try and find happiness. They might have at first, like somewhere in the first two seasons or so, but now they just try to live. So when they actually feel happy, I think, it’s little sparks of happiness chasing them and not the other way around. Not on purpose, though, just accidentally. _Accidents don’t just happen accidentally_ , the real fan would quote now. 

Let’s start with Dean. What makes Dean happy (for a moment)?  
1\. Getting to do something awesome. I bet, we all agree on that. His Wild West fetish crosses my mind again, as well as dressing up, whether it’s as a cowboy or in a LARP game with Charlie. Also, remember the episode _Scoobynatural_ , in which he gets to work with his favorite childhood heroes. Another thing on this list of awesome things is using a rarely used weapon, like his grenade launcher. Or just simply when he gets to kill something cool, like something out of a show/movie/else he likes, e.g. that _Slice and Dice_ guy, David Yaeger aka. Hatchet Man, or let’s not forget Hitler here. But to be honest, this is only cheerfulness and joy, and that’s not quite the same thing as happiness, is it?  
2\. Dean is happy, when he wins. And by winning I mean winning over monsters, as well as winning something back, like a loved person, as well as saving people he wanted to save.  
3\. Having his brother safe. Yes, this is a very important point. Saving Sammy and protecting him is Dean’s highest rated life goal. Knowing Sam is safe - even if just for the moment - makes him endlessly happy. Well, not endlessly, as we learned before, happiness isn't a long-lasting or permanent condition.  
4\. Someone not dying. By that, of course, I mean people Dean cares about. When everything looks like he’ll lose someone again, when it all feels hopeless and he already seems to mentally steel himself for another loss - but then they don’t die, he doesn't lose them, that right there makes Dean just as scared and anxious as it makes him happy.  
5\. Little peaceful moments with his family. We don’t get to see those very often, sadly. I guess we’ll never find out, if we just don’t get to see every peaceful moment, or if they just are _that_ rare. But they’re beautiful, don’t you think? I could wallow in them all day and week. The way they just talk and have some drinks and laugh and joke around and play games, that’s the humblest but also most precious way of enjoying each other and it makes me happy to see my favorite characters allowing themselves some happiness as well for a bit.  
6\. Last but not least, getting someone back. I’m talking about the occasions Dean miraculously gets back a loved one. Mary, John, Jack, and mostly Cas and Sam. Do I really need to explain why that makes Dean happy? I don’t think so.

Moving on to Sam and what makes him happy.  
1\. First, and most importantly, I think, Sam is happy, whenever he sees his brother cheerful. That’s just a fact. That little sweet smile spreading over his face, whenever he realizes that Dean is joyful and laughing and smiling.  
2\. Since they are brothers who love each other equally, Sam also gets happy, when he knows his brother safe. He might never have felt the duty of protecting and saving him to the extend Dean has, but Sam needs his big brother like he needs air to breathe, so it obviously makes him happy to have him safe.  
3\. Saving someone. Here we can see the same need in Sam as we can see in what I mentioned in points 2 and 4, while talking about Dean. Saving people isn't just part of what they do, it’s the reason they do it. And just like mentioned before, Sam also feels happy when someone doesn't die. Obviously.  
4\. Getting someone back. Well, he feels about that the same way Dean does.  
5\. Doing something right. This might not be obvious at first, but think about what we talked about in the previous chapter: Sam always feels like failing, like everything he does just leads to the inevitable outcome of disaster. So, feeling like he did something good and right makes him damn happy.  
6\. And here we have something I should have probably also mentioned on Dean’s list, but I feel like it’s far more important for Sam: building a bond to his mother, Mary. Don’t get me wrong, Dean loves his mother to the bits and having her back makes him extremely happy as well, but think about it: Sam never even knew his mom, he never got the chance to have a relationship to her, because she died when he was a baby. And when he finally gets that chance, when Mary returns, and manages to get closer to her, get to know her as his mother, well, that makes him happy. 

Looking at what makes them happy also requires looking at what’s preventing happiness for them. I’ll make it short, though, for I practically talked about some of those aspects during the previous chapter already and they’re also related to the points above.

##### Unhappiness Winning

Starting with Dean again and the reasons he’s not happy.  
1\. He doesn't always win. It makes him feel helpless and vulnerable, which is that desperate kind of sad we already talked about. Sincere sadness and despair are a clear blocker to happiness.  
2\. Sometimes he loses his brother. Meaning when Sam dies, goes dark side, gets possessed by Lucifer, dies again, et cetera. Not being able to save Sammy makes Dean feel incredibly powerless and desperate. As said above, that blocks happiness.  
3\. He can’t save everyone. That’s a rule they repeat throughout the show quite often, though it never really seems to enter Dean’s head. He’s so desperate to save everyone he can that he just can’t allow himself to be happy, unless he accomplishes this impossible mission.  
4\. He can’t always hold his family together. Family is what’s most important to Dean, the more it hurts him when he feels it fall apart. Like that time when Sam left him and their dad to go to Stanford, or that time when Mary (just back from the dead) left them to get some space. Family makes him happy, and when he can’t have it as he needs it, well, it makes him unhappy. That simple.  
5\. He lost a lot. Well, we talked about that in the previous chapter. Losses and losing are omnipresent in Supernatural and they are the ultimate reason for unhappiness winning over happiness.  
6\. Most important at this point, and this might be some sort of conclusion of this paragraph about Dean, is the fact that he just doesn't allow himself to be happy. Why? Because he thinks he doesn't deserve it. As mentioned before he feels worthless. And also, he’s so used to being in pain and constant alert that he feels like he can’t afford to be careless and peaceful to enjoy the little moments and just be happy.

Let’s go on with Sam. He has a lot of reasons to not be happy as well.  
1\. Dean is rarely ever cheerful. As said before, Sam is happy when he sees his brother in a good mood. But Dean barely ever is.  
2\. Dean is rarely safe. Even when Sam needs his brother by his side, he constantly has to face Dean being not safe. Like when he dies, or when he struggles with the Mark of Caine, or when he becomes a demon, or when he dies, or dies, or dies, or dies, or yeah, let’s not forget about that one time when he dies. Dean dies so often throughout the show, how could Sam be at peace and be happy? Right, he can’t.  
3\. He can’t save everyone. And he struggles with that just as much as his brother does.  
4\. He lost a lot. Period.  
5\. He made some mistakes. This keeps Sam from being happy, because he feels a lot of guilt because of those mistakes (guilty-sad), and as we learned, sadness is a blocker to happiness.  
6\. The conclusion to all of this is: Sam wants to be happy, he really does, but he loses too much, over and over again he fails to save people. Though, he’s the brother with enough hope for both of the Winchesters. 

So, we discussed a lot of reasons making them happy and unhappy so far, but what we didn't talk about yet are the times they had normal lives. Well, how did that turn out for them?

##### An Apple Pie Life

As said in the previous chapter, what Sam desires is a normal life. Sure, during the last couple of seasons (I’m not quite sure when exactly that started) Sam falls into some sort of acceptance of his lifestyle, but that doesn't particularly mean that he doesn't want to be normal anymore. He has wanted that his entire life and just because he learned to accept that he probably will never get that, doesn't make the wish itself disappear.  
At the beginning of this chapter we talked about what happiness is and I told you that I found out that some people find happiness in fulfilling their dreams. A normal life is definitely something Sam Winchester dreams about.  
_But Sam had the chance to live a normal life!_ One might say now. Yes, indeed. Twice even. At the very beginning of the show, in the _Pilot_ of Supernatural, we learn that Sam lives a normal life as a student at Stanford, trying to become a lawyer, with a decent set of friends and even a girlfriend, Jess. We don’t get too large of a glimpse at that life and what it was like and how Sam felt about it, and of course the option to live it gets practically erased by Jess’s death and the task of finding their father (and basically all that followed then), but the little we do see makes him appear fairly happy, doesn't it? He aces his classes, he’s got someone he loves, a normal good life ahead where he doesn't have to fight monsters and be responsible for saving people.  
Then he even gets another chance with Amelia. I won’t say I liked her (because I clearly didn’t), but she really seemed to make our Sammy happy. Again he had a normal life, an ordinary job, a girlfriend and a home, even a dog. He had to deal with his brother being in Purgatory, sure, he was sad and broken by his past, but he was at peace with Amelia. 

Before we talk more about this, let’s have a look at Dean. Dean grew up a warrior, his only memory of normalcy far away in his childhood, when his mother was still there. But still, even he got a chance to have a normal life. With Lisa and Ben he found something he could desire (while before he hadn't really ever shown a desire to start a family). He found some sort of routine with them, he genuinely loves Lisa and also Ben, with whom he builds a very close relationship resembling that of a father to his son. He seems at peace in some sort of way, even when he never actually wanted this, but only does it, because his brother made him promise. Even when he still has nightmares, even when he doesn't seem like he can really and completely let go of his past. Even with his brother in hell with Lucifer and Michael. And there’s that point I’m trying to make. 

_They found chances to live a normal life, though they turn away from it. Why?_

As I said, the first time Sam had a normal life (at Stanford) and it ended, he didn't really have a choice. He was forced out of it. But the second time he did have a choice, didn't he? He was with Amelia, he seemed happy, he fulfilled his long-desired dream of a normal life. Before we ask ourselves _why_ he ended it, let’s look at the _when_ :

He ended it when Dean returned from Purgatory. It wasn't a _veni vidi vici_ moment (“I came, I saw, I conquered“), Dean didn't kick in some door, said I’m back and Sam followed him into the sundown. No, it was more like (to keep it Latin) _atrox melior dulcissima verities mendaciis_ , which means the bitter truth is better than the sweetest lies. Don’t get what I’m saying? By that I mean Sam didn't follow Dean back into his old life right away, but when he realizes that he’s needed and that he belongs at Dean’s side (bitter truth), he ends his perfect normal life with Amelia eventually, because he can’t deny any longer that it’s a lie (even if a sweet one). 

When did Dean end his normal life with Lisa and Ben? Well - surprise, surprise - it’s when Sam shows up back from the pit. Of course, Dean doesn't know at first, that Sam has been back the whole time, and of course, he get angry when he finds out. But he as well didn’t jump right back into his old self. He stays with Lisa and Ben for quite a long time, but Sam being back was the first push back. What eventually fully brought him back into his old life and end his life with Lisa and Ben is when he fails at combining the two different lifestyles. He realizes that he’s only putting them in danger, but he also realizes that he belongs with his brother, so eventually he ends his apple pie life with getting their memories of him erased. 

_Why did they reject their chances on a normal life?_  
Well, I pretty much explained that already, but let’s put all the loose strings together. To summarize it in three words: for each other. It’s true, they do it for each other. There are some other aspects around that as well, of course, but the true core of it is that. All they ever want for each other is their brother having a normal life, and still all they ever want for themselves is to be with their brother. It’s confusing and it doesn't really make sense, but then again, when does the human psyche ever really make sense?  
Let’s have a slightly closer look now, or rather find a conclusion:  
Sam can’t have a normal life, if Dean isn't okay with it. He can’t have a normal life, if Dean’s still out there hunting and risking his life. He needs him safe and the only way to make sure he’s safe is to protect him himself. He desperately wants to be normal, but he realizes it’s only a fairytale, he will never be normal. And he can’t be happy without Dean.  
Dean on the other hand can’t have a normal life, because he’s too scared to put people in danger. He realizes that, when he gets Sammy back, because Sam is the constant reminder of people he loves that actually are in danger. And he can’t be happy without Sam either. 

That leads to the final conclusion that, in fact, the Winchester brothers are only happy, when they have each other.

##### Unhealthy Sibling Relationship and Other Crap Social Workers Can Say

I am aware that social workers are educated and trained and all, and don’t get me wrong, I do respect them and their work. I just have a rather minor opinion - or let’s say a grudging feeling - towards them, for the mere reason that some of them crossed my own way here and there. I myself have three sisters and a brother. Like the Winchesters we, too, had a lot of stuff to go through during our life (of course not on an apocalyptic level), and we grew up very, very close and protective over each other. We all share a very strong bond and would always intervene in each other’s lives and choices. So, at some points, social workers would work with us and get to know us and all that, and they all said the same thing: the relationship we share is the ultimate definition of unhealthy. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is total bullshit. I get that we’re being weird and overprotective and I get that it’s hard to live your own life with siblings hovering in it and the responsibilities and all that. But you can’t say it’s unhealthy, while it’s working. 

So, to get to the point, it’s the same with Sam and Dean. Maybe they make a lot of bad choices, in order to save one another, but they just need each other. It’s the essence of their life.  
Dean doesn't function without Sam, because the only thing he ever knew as a sense to his life is protecting his little brother, and without him he just feels like his life doesn't make any sense anymore.  
Sam doesn't function without Dean, because he needs his brother to have someone, who believes in him, who believes he’s not a monster or a freak, who believes in the good in him, or otherwise Sam (at least that’s what he believes) would just make more and more mistakes and turn dark side. 

So, yeah, their relationship might be unhealthy in its nature, it might come at the cost of never having a normal life (at least not apart from each other), but it works. And they never knew it differently.

##### The Happiness At The End Of The Book

Well, I realized a lot today, how about you?  
I realized that happiness is a very complex and complicated matter, very hard to understand and even harder to achieve.  
I realized that there are sparks of happiness in Dean and Sam, rarely showing up, though.  
I realized that the scenes of Dean I had in mind (before writing this chapter) where he seemed happy to me were scenes where he was only cheerful, and like I said, that’s not really the same thing.  
I realized that what Dean needs the most to be happy is his family.  
I realized that Sam wants to have a normal life, but that he doesn't want it without Dean.  
I realized that what Sam needs the most to be happy is his family as well.  
I realized that apple pie lives didn't work out for both of them, because their old life always follows them and always will.  
I realized that they need each other to be truly happy. 

And after all that realization (because my mind is a nasty son of a bitch) one thing crossed my mind: the song that always manages to make me fall into all the sadness, _Carry On My Wayward Son_. 

Let’s have a look at that chorus:

>   
>  Carry on my wayward son  
>  For there'll be peace when you are done  
>  Lay your weary head to rest  
>  Don't you cry no more  
> 

And that’s the point right there. There’ll be peace, when they are done. They’ll only ever be at peace and happy, when they’re done. When they are done hunting, done saving the world, done risking their lives for others and each other. When, in the end, they can finally rest and allow themselves some happiness.

 

Let’s come to the end of this chapter with another lesson I learned:  
_**Happiness is the hardest goal to achieve in life, but don’t ever think you don’t deserve it.**_

I bid farewell to you now, little precious creatures, and don’t forget to be happy every once in a while. 

Sincerely,

SiSuSi.


	4. Easy There Tiger!

## 4\. Easy There Tiger!

Hi, everyone! I hope you guys aren't too depressed by the previous dramatic chapters and want to jump at my throat for making you feel that way. But actually… that’d be good after all, because today - and that’s the last part of the feeling chapters - we’ll talk about the feeling that is anger. Here’s…

#### Feels Part 4: Anger

This is pretty obvious, taking a look at Supernatural, isn't it? There’s so many episodes and scenes and occasions loaded with anger throughout all of the show that I can’t even begin to try and list all of them. It’s only natural, though. With all that sadness and hurt and pain and loss and drama and disaster that our characters face through time, how could they not get angry? However, for this chapter, we will explicitly concentrate on Dean. Why? Well, there are two reasons: 1. This chapter is not supposed to become a whole book with 300+ pages; and 2. Personally, I think Dean is the character showing the most of anger of all of them. Saying it in John Green’s words (although he used them in an entirely different context) _If people were rain, [the other’s were] drizzle and [Dean] was a hurricane._  
But before we’ll dive right into it, let’s have an outside look at the topic first, and the question _What the hell is anger?_

##### Feelings Are Crazy

So, I did a lot of research on the matter (and I’m starting to believe that I’m actually crazier than I thought) and basically all that follows from here on (apart from the connections I’ll make to Supernatural) are the product of said reading.  
As a matter of fact - similar to what I wrote in the chapter about sadness - there are different kinds of angry.

1\. _Hurt-angry:_ meaning that anger, when you get devastated or embarrassed for whatever reason; in other words, someone hurt you and that makes you angry  
2\. _Threatened-angry:_ meaning when your jealous or insecure about someone/something; in other words, someone threatens the possibility of you having someone/something  
3\. _Hateful-angry:_ when you feel violated by someone or resentful towards someone; in other words, you’re angry because you hate them for what they’ve done to you  
4\. _Mad-angry:_ this is the first thing we think about when thinking about anger, it’s that rising feeling of being enraged and furious about something, I like to call it the “spontaneous anger“  
5\. _Aggressive-angry:_ this includes feeling/being provoked and/or hostile; I’ll come later to why this type of anger is really an advanced stage of anger  
6\. _Frustrated-angry:_ feeling/being infuriated and/or irritated by someone else; in other words, you’re frustrated by a person’s words/actions and so you get angry  
7\. _Distant-angry:_ this actually wasn't something I would’ve come up with on my own, but it is important; it means that type of anger that happens inside someone from afar, withdrawn and/or suspicious  
8\. _Critical-angry:_ that’s when you’re skeptical and/or sarcastic about someone/something, even if that’s only a minor kind of anger, it still is anger

So, now that we know about the different types of anger - which might come in handy throughout this chapter in order to understand why Dean is angry - let’s have a look at the different stages of anger.

##### Level Up!

The **first** stage of anger is annoyance.   
I’ll get deeper into this stage, when we talk about what causes anger, but basically at this stage we feel, well, annoyed by something or someone. 

The **second** stage of anger is rage.   
Rage is a delicate thing. While annoyance can be mostly hidden easily (sometimes we don’t even realize ourselves that we’re annoyed), rage cannot. Why? Because rage shows, it shows on the outside, by your body reacting to that strong feeling. Your heart starts beating harder and faster, sweat is starting to spread on your surface, you start to shake and shiver, starting with your hands. It’s a physical reaction to a feeling nature created to make us able to survive. And you simply can’t hide or suppress or avoid physical reactions, once your body decides to start them.   
At this stage of anger we can feel deeply hurt, humiliated, used, abused, kicked or threatened. Our brain and body think we are in danger, so they react with rage, as I already said, making us able to fight and defend ourselves. 

And the **third** stage of anger is aggression.  
At this stage we have fits of rage. It’s losing control over your feelings, it’s giving free rein to your rage, turning against people or object, harming them emotionally and/or physically (concerning objects, even destroying them). Well, we all know what a good tantrum looks like, so I think no further explanations are needed here. 

_When are we finally talking about Dean?_ One could whine now. And I sure also want to finally talk about him, but where not quite there yet, be patient. But at this point, let me just say one little thing: aggression and tantrums are one big massive character trait of Dean. Remember all those poor chairs he destroyed throughout his life. But let’s come to the reasons for anger now.

##### The Whole Universe Sucks

I’m sure we have all been in that kind of mood, where we simply hate everyone and everything, basically the entire universe seems to be against us. If you haven’t, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, _please_ tell me how you do that.

There are two significant reasons for anger. 1. We feel personally attacked. 2. We demand everything is the way we want it and think is right.

**1.** We feel personally attacked. This happens when someone else’s words or actions hurt us, make us feel attacked or being treated disrespectfully. We assume that the other person’s intentions are of a hostile, mean, or evil nature. So, our anger here can be somewhere in between any kind of previously mentioned types of angry, or a mixture of various ones or all of them.   
_But why do we feel attacked?_  
We can feel that way, because of different reasons. 

A) We’re being criticized (mostly _hurt-angry_ here).   
B) Someone takes someone/something from us (mostly _threatened-angry_ here).   
C) We’re being ignored or neglected/abandoned (mostly _hurt-angry_ and/or _hateful-angry_ here)  
D) Someone keeps us waiting (mostly _hurt-angry_ here, but depends on why you hate waiting for that person)  
E) Someone forgets something that’s important to us (mostly _hurt-angry_ here)

As you can see being hurt in some way by someone else is a very important cause for anger. But there’s another that’s just as important: All of us have the strong need of being acknowledged and liked by others. And the smaller our self-respect and feeling of self-worth, the stronger that need and the easier we feel attacked, threatened, and hurt by others, and the sooner we accuse others to treat us badly. It’s a link of matters. Let me shorten it for you to make it clearer:

Self-respect/Self-worth <—> Acknowledgement <—> Attack <—> Anger/Accusations 

To understand these reactions to other people’s words and actions, let me ask you a question:  
 _How do you treat yourself, when you fail?_

Thought about it for a moment? Let me dig deeper here. So, whenever you fail at something, whether it’s an exam or a relationship with someone or something else, are you indulgent and forgiving of that failure or mistake towards yourself? Or are you annoyed with yourself, mad at yourself maybe even? Are you blaming yourself? You probably (like most people do) resent yourself for your own mistakes, don’t you? No one wants to admit or accept their own flaws and failure, so what we do is we get mad at ourselves. We think bad about ourselves. And that there, that’s the reason we’re all aware and attention-paying of what others say about and towards us. We - very quickly - assume an attack behind the words and actions of others.   
Psychology is a very complicated matter, but I hope I could make you understand the mechanism of anger by feeling attacked. Let’s come to the second reason.

**2.** We demand everything is the way we want it and think is right. We demand justice. We demand that other people don’t act stupidly or thoughtlessly. We demand other people act reasonable. We demand that we have no disadvantages compared to others. We demand to get what we want. We demand to be treated well. See that? What postulating little creatures we are. 

_But hey, those are just things we wish for!_ You could object now. No. Those aren’t wishes, those are demands. How I know? Because if it were just mere wishes, we wouldn't get angry when they aren’t followed. If it were just wishes, we would only get disappointed. Those are two-fisted demands towards other people and life itself, we insist on them being fulfilled, and if they’re not, we get mad. 

I’ll admit, it’s kind of hard to wrap one’s mind around it, but let me give you an example:  
Imagine you’re a very tidy person, valuing your place being clean and all. Someone (boyfriend/girlfriend/crazy person you just met on the streets) moves in with you and they’re not at all paying attention to cleanness or tidiness. They throw around their stuff, leave dirty dishes in the sink and all over the place, etc. You get the picture. And you being a very tidy person, you need your place to be clean. You need it to be the way that feels good and right for you. That’s nothing you wish for, you wouldn't just think _oh well, it’s dirty and disgusting around here then, who cares._ How do you react to something like that instead? You get mad. You might yell, you might scream, you might even shiver with anger. Because you _need_ it to be clean in your place, you _demand_ it.

Okay, moving on. So, we learned about the different types of anger and different stages of anger and about two main reasons for anger now. It’s time to connect all this and the following to Dean Winchester. Starting with…

##### John Winchester’s A+ Parenting

As we talked about before, John Winchester is an amazing father (beware of the obvious sarcasm). To be clear about why John’s parenting has anything to do with Dean’s anger, we must understand that anger and aggression are things that are influenced by our childhood.   
Toddlers start out expressing the purest kind of anger. The way they can throw themselves on the floor and whine and scream for the most ridiculous reasons, like not getting candy. Growing up, there are two things changing the manner of their anger.   
1\. They learn that there are alternatives to expressing their anger. Either by watching others and their ways, or by getting taught by others. They learn that they don’t need to throw a tantrum every time they don’t get what they want.   
2\. They develop empathy, meaning they learn that their anger and the way they express it can hurt others. So they learn to be aware of other people’s feelings. 

But throughout that learning process mistakes and errors can occur, or rather things can occur that influence that development crucially. Take the example of the businessman, who always straight out yells at his employees whenever they don’t do important things. He gets angry about that so easily and fast, because during his childhood his parents never had time for him, so he developed the habit of screaming as long as it took his parents to pay attention to him. Also, children learn a lot about behavior from the people around them. When they see someone react in a certain kind and observe that it works out, they imitate it, whether it’s a calm reaction or bursting out aggression. 

Let’s have a look at Dean now. The grown-up he has around most during his childhood is John, his father. John’s a very aggressive person, he’s angry, he’s grieving, he lives for nothing else than his need for revenge. John yells a lot at Dean, practically Dean’s blamed for everything that goes wrong. I’d say that’s a clear error here. Though, Dean doesn't imitate his father’s fits of rage, at least not as a child. Why? Because he idolizes his father, for him John is a superhero. And because he’s scared of him, let’s not forget that. John practically abuses his older son, he raises him as an obedient soldier, not as an independent individual.   
But throughout time, Dean cuts the strings, even beginning before his father dies, but continuing with that after. And without knowing - now that he’s no longer his father’s marionette - he starts imitating John’s behavior with anger. Because he learned throughout all of his childhood that it works, it gets him what he wants, it gets other people to do things his way. 

And he even realizes that himself. Remember that scene with Ben, after he took a weapon out of the trunk of the Impala, and after Dean says to Lisa that he’s just like John sometimes. 

Now, I subtly mentioned that grief John expresses, along with his anger and revenge thing. That wasn’t coincidentally. Because other feelings do play a role in the whole anger roller coaster.

##### Why So Mad, Dean?

Dean clearly has a boatload of reasons to be mad at people through all of the show, basically. And there are three feelings that can result in anger (and clearly do for Dean). 

**Fear** being the first one. As mentioned before, anger can be a reaction to defend oneself. And when do we think we need to defend ourselves? When we’re scared. When something or someone threatens us or someone we love. This happens a lot throughout the seasons. There’s numerous examples for fear-induced anger, but one thing particularly comes to my mind. Remember when Dean was about to go to hell, because he sold his soul for his brother? He’s acting mad, he acts like he doesn't care, he basically shoots all that moves and is all touchy about almost anything. That right there is _threatened-angry_. His life is threatened. He wants to live, but he can’t have it. And he’s scared to the bits. And to cover up all his fear, he’s angry. 

**Self-defense** is the second feeling that can result in anger. I know, I mentioned self-defense in the fear-induced section already, but what I mean here and now is some other kind of self-defense. That kind, where you’re defending yourself, because you’re being attacked, emotionally. Remember what I said about feeling attacked before? Most of the time Dean feels emotionally attacked, is when someone criticizes him or when someone doesn't do something the way he wants it to be done. Well, we won’t have to talk about Dean and criticism, do we? I think we’re all very aware that Dean is a strongly opinionated and stubborn person and that he loses it, when someone dares to question him (even when he mostly gives in later). But let’s talk about the latter for a moment. **SPOILER ALERT for everyone who hasn't watched Season 14 yet**  
Do you recall that scene, when Dean finds out that Cas saw Jack killing his snake and didn't tell them? I think that’s a perfect example for this aspect. Dean wants everyone to tell him things like that, because he thinks it right, because he demands people to be reasonable and not stupid. So he gets all mad and in a fit of rage, when he finds out that Cas didn't tell him. _He’s just mad, because his mom could be dead._ You could say. But does Dean start with that? No. He gets mad at the fact that Cas didn't tell him, he even repeats it a couple of times. Sure, after that his anger kind of turns into that fear-induced anger because he’s scared Mary could be dead, but at first it’s the mere fact that Cas kept it a secret from him. To come to the point, Dean feels attacked by Cas not telling him, because he wants him to mention things like that, he wants it to be done the way he thinks is right.   
**END OF SPOILER**

**Grief** is the third and probably most important feeling that can result in anger. As said before, that’s the reason for John’s anger. But Dean (maybe imitating his father here) shows that behavior as well. There’s one scene in particular that comes to my mind here. Remember when Sam died (for the first time)? Dean is in that ramshackle house in that abandoned city, his brother lying dead on some table. And he’s desperate and sad and grieving with every fibre of his body. And then Bobby comes around with food and what does Dean do? He yells at him, screams at him, tells him to get out. He's in rage.

There’s a lot of other examples for Dean’s constant anger over everything (and I get it, I really do), but like I said, I won’t discuss each and every one of them in this chapter. There’s one more thing, however, that I would really like to talk about.

##### Nice Branding, Dean. Where did you get that?

I’m obviously talking about the Mark of Caine here. I’ll just assume all of you know where Dean got it from and why, so let’s move on to my point. The Mark of Caine transforms his occasional, even if not rare, anger and aggression into something threatening, something dangerous, something overwhelming all of his being in a way nothing ever could before. _And that’s so hot…_ *cough* 

What I’m trying to say is that with that mark on his arm (and later also the First Blade in his hand) Dean becomes more angry and aggressive than ever before. _Well, that’s what the mark does, right?_ You might say. Yes, indeed. But did you ever think about why Caine himself never seemed that angry? To me he actually rather seems quite relaxed, a calm little potato, while Dean barely ever misses any chance to punch someone in the face or kill people. Maybe it’s because Caine is used to the feelings the mark and the blade cause, he’s been like that for so long. But there are three things bothering me about that thesis. 1. During the few flashbacks we get, Caine seemed to be just as calm of a person in the past. 2. The blade and the mark might influence the person carrying them, but how would they manage to influence every person in the exact same way, while every person is unique in their nature and set of feelings and character traits etc.? And 3. Is there really no way of fighting the influence even just a tiny little bit?

The way I see it, Dean (at some point) starts to give in to the influence. He gives in to the anger and the rage and the aggression. Doesn't he even say himself in some episode that he can’t fight it any longer? And wouldn't it be extremely easy for the Mark of Caine and the First Blade to influence a person into aggression that already has a ton of anger in him? I’d say yes, but feel free to discuss.

We’re at the end of the chapter again now. What’s missing? Right, the lesson I learned. Before that I need to say one more thing that I think I already mentioned somewhere in this chapter. Dean might be angry a lot, and he might have his little fits of rage, but as I said, at some point he (sometimes) gives in. He calms down, considers, ponders, and eventually realizes that he shouldn't have reacted like that and apologizes. So the lesson I learned is:  
 ** _Anger can’t be avoided, sometimes you can’t even hold it back, but it can be understood, if you really try. Apologize for what you did, if necessary, but never apologize for what you feel._**

So, this is it for now. Thanks for your attention, little tigers.

Sincerely,

SiSuSi


	5. How Is That The Same Show?

## 5\. How Is That The Same Show?

Cheers, guys! I’ve needed some time to recollect myself after all those feels I shared within this essay so far. But now, let’s move on! Today we’ll talk about different genres in _Supernatural_. Because as the headline says, I often wonder how - while being confronted by different genres - it’s still the same show, but different, but still fitting into the plot, but somehow still not. _What_.  
Anyway, let’s start with the most popular genre types I could think of, starting with…

#### Yee-haw! Welcome to the wild, wild West!

I bet all of you remember the epic episode _Frontierland_.   
Dean being all dressed-up as a cowboy, fancy accessory and all, his Wild West fetish is showing. I believe I already talked about how funny this episode is during that chapter about the comedy in _Supernatural_ , so I won’t repeat myself now. 

The point is, how cool is that episode? Very. Why? Because:

1\. Our characters dressed-up is the coolest. Nothing against the usual plaid shirt and jeans look, they’re really killing it, but seeing them in different clothes spices it up a little, and I love their cowboy look.  
2\. Different setting, same spicing-it-up here. And don’t I just love the brownish dust that seems to cover everything, and all the wood, and all seems to be under a sepia filter, beautiful.  
3\. Different time. Before _Frontierland_ I always wondered how hunters in the past had lived, how they proceeded their work. And we don’t get to see just any hunter, we get to see the one and only Samuel Colt himself. Awesome!

#### The Elegance of Missing Color

Yes, my dears, I’m talking about the episode _Monster Movie_. Not just the whole episode being in black-and-white style, but also the music theme of an old Hollywood classic, and the classic portraying of famous monsters, such as Count Dracula, are just epic. I’m not sure why it all has to take place during an imitated Octoberfest (and also, being from Munich, I know that the real Oktoberfest isn't anything like that), but whatever, who cares. 

Why’s that genre switch epic then?

1\. Again the outfits. I mean, sure, they often wear suits, but I can’t have enough of it. And Dean in Lederhosn? _Hilarious!_  
2\. The setting, the Oktoberfest, doesn't really make sense to me (if it does to you, please go ahead and enlighten me!), but the huge beers (that are actually even larger in real Bavaria) and girls in fake Dirndls are funny, no question.   
3\. The whole artwork of that episode is just cool, it’s stolen, sure, not original, but I love it nonetheless. It’s classy.   
4\. The way they’re playing with former images of monsters and Dean loving it and Sam being annoyed by it, fitting it into their reality and in the end figuring out that it’s “just“ a shapeshifter, that’s just great.

#### Scooby-dooby-doooooo!

_Scoobynatural_ is one of the funniest episodes to ever be made. I sure hated that I didn't get to see much of Jensen and Jared and Misha (as real people), but just their cartoon versions, but in the end I loved it. I loved it, because the writers and people who made that episode (and also the actors borrowing their voices to the cartoon versions) did such a good job. 

1\. Liked to see their cartoon versions (sure, we can already see others like that in the animated version of _Supernatural_ , but I didn't quite like those, to be honest)  
2\. Them being in the world of Scoobydoo is just plain out cool.   
3\. I believe I don’t have to say any more. Point proven.

#### Let’s not forget…

… _Changing Channels_. Yes, that one is just a holy mess of different genres. 

Medical Drama Dr. Sexy M.D.  
Sitcom  
Commercial  
Cop Show  
Japanese Game Show  
the _Sampala_ (I loved that!)

_**Dean:** Hey there, Sam. What's happening?_

I wondered that myself when I saw this episode for the first time. 

Why it’s epic?

1\. Doctors outfits, suits, sportswear… so cool  
2\. All the different settings, changing so quickly, I actually felt like zapping through channels  
3\. It’s all so confusing, for Dean and Sam, for us as well. But it’s also hilarious.   
4\. The work they put in that episode, I can’t even imagine. 

But let’s be honest, apart from those special pieces of art, it’s…

#### … A Genre Show, But Then It Also Isn’t?

Sometimes _Supernatural_ isn't just the monster show it’s supposed to be. Sure, they’re hunting things, saving people, stopping various apocalypses. That’s what it’s about. But then, it’s also a lot of drama, feelings, sharing them, expressing them, holding them back, lying, secrets and emotional hurt. Sometimes it could as well be a chick-flick. Let’s look at the most typical feature of such a thing for a moment: 

Chick-flicks are about relationships between people. 

And if _Supernatural_ isn’t a lot about the relationships between its characters, throughout all the seasons, most of all, of course, the Winchester brothers, then what.

So really, _Supernatural_ is so much more than just a show about monsters. It’s action and drama and comedy and just plain out a thing to think about and reflect.   
The only thing that seems to be missing in this show, kind of, is romance. Sure, there are various occasions the Winchester brothers and other characters fall in love or engage with people, but there’s not so much of romance there. Let’s not forget the constant dying of Sam’s lovers, the fact that Dean only ever hooks up, if even that, and the fact that the third main character of this show is an Angel of the Lord.   
Yeah, we could go on and on about same-sex romances, slash fiction ideas and all that. But I won’t go there now. Let’s just not. Let’s just keep that in our minds and hearts like the precious things they are. 

 

What’s the **conclusion** now?   
Well, I already said it, kinda. _Supernatural_ keeps playing with different genres in a way I never really saw any other show do, rocking it! It’s just brilliant. It’s making us laugh and cry and admire and adore and love. It’s really sometimes a distraction from all the emotional pain this show gives me (even when I love that pain in some twisted way). 

It’s fun to play around, isn't it? And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Misha Collins (that precious little thing), then it’s that having fun is the essence of life. 

So, what’s the lesson I learned?  
 _ **Play around, have fun, fuck everyone that thinks it’s silly, because you’re awesome!**_

 

Well, this is it again. It’s a short one, I know, but I just wanted to talk about this subject for a little, it seemed to need a place in this essay.   
Farewell now, precious cowboys and Draculas, and have some fun with whatever.

Sincerely,

SiSuSi.


	6. Stripping Monsters Down to Their Boxers

## 6\. Stripping Monsters Down to Their Boxers

Hello, fellow hunters! I’m finally back with my unwise words of unwisdom, barking out my thoughts of nonsense in your faces, as if you’re an audience willing to listen. (Hopefully, you are, though.)  
Still desperately trying to put into words why _Supernatural_ is awesome and attempting to honor it in my homage-like essay that’s not yet homage-y enough, I think, today we’ll talk about the humanization of certain beings and concepts throughout the show.   
As to how smart you people probably are, I’m sure you already know what I’m on about. So let’s dive right into it without further digressions.

#### The Monster of the Week

_Supernatural_ sure is a show about monsters. Now, for once I’m not talking about ghosts, but about the real actual monsters, like vampires, werewolves, and such.   
And while we all sure know how to hunt them down and gank them (for we’re all trained hunters ourselves by now; yay for us), have you ever thought about the way they’re portrayed in the show?

Vampires, for sure, have always been portrayed quite human in all the stories about them. Think about good old Dracula in his fancy tuxedo and cape, neat hairstyle and perfectly pale skin. A gentleman, really, a monster nonetheless. And then Edward in _Twilight_ (god, all the things I hate about those movies…), the handsome student, glittering in the sun and being oh so deep and emotional and all.   
In the show they look pretty damn human as well, even more so than any other creature. And not only their looks, they also are kind of human. They show emotions, they feel, they hurt, they cry, they doubt. Think about that girl and her nest the Winchester brothers let go, because they feed of animal blood rather than human blood. Or Benny, trying to live a normal life himself. There are many vampires trying to survive, trying to live, trying to be human. But, of course, there are also ones that don’t. They’re like monsters in disguise, which makes them even more dangerous and to be feared. 

Now, in _Supernatural_ that’s exactly what they’re going for, what they’re using. Monsters in disguise. 

Let’s talk about werewolves. In worldwide lore the werewolf is usually a wild animal, a hairy big beast with fangs and claws, well, like a wolf, but larger, more violent.   
In _Supernatural_ , though, they’re not. They got their claws and fangs, sure, but they mostly remain human-looking, even after transforming. And amongst those there are, too, some that try to live a normal life, like Garth. 

It’s a neat thing, they do there, using inhuman creatures to show the brothers that not all in life is black or white. There are shades in between, creatures that deserve a chance to live, even with what they are. It’s brilliant, really, how little sparks of doubt ignite here and there, making Sam and Dean doubt the belief they were raised into and start to think on their own. And then, eventually, this right there is what was the first step on the path to Team Free Will. They choose, they decide, they don’t see the world in black and white, they go with their instinct and intuition and their free will.

#### Rising Dick, It’s Kinda Fishy

And then there’s Leviathans. Okay, cool, they are definitely all evil, all black and no white, that’s for sure from the very beginning. And that’s fine, okay. But still, even when they are basically the _Supernatural_ version of some sort of mafia, all organized crime, but on an apocalyptic level, they still fit the point here.   
In biblical lore the Leviathans are some sort of sea monsters, part crocodile, part dragon, part snake, and part wale. And all stories say pretty much the same thing: Leviathans are evil and they want to play.   
Awesome as it is, _Supernatural_ expressed that perfectly. Leviathans in the show are witty and cheeky and even funny. And they are evil. Though, they are not shown as God’s favorite fish, but as black goo possessing people in a similar way demons do. They look human, they act human, they take human jobs and interact with other humans. But plotting to take over the world in a so much more clever way than any other creature ever tried. And for a long while no one ever even knows how to kill them. They are the perfect monsters - disguised as humans. 

Consequently, monsters in _Supernatural_ pretty much all look like humans, later turn out not human, then Team Free Will needs to decide whether to kill or to spare, depending on **who** they are rather than **what** they are. And that, people, is humanizing the inhuman, ultimately giving us reason to think and consider. And isn't that so much more interesting than the common _There! Monster! Kill! Beware!_

However, there are beings throughout the show that are even more interesting to think about concerning this topic.

#### What the Hell

I suppose everyone knows those movies about some girl (or girls?) being possessed. They turn all ugly, move their head around like weirdos, scream out devilish comments, and puke all over the place (I sure as hell didn't watch any of those movies, though). Possession and demons are a huge part of lore and myths and all kinds of stories throughout human history and it’s all portrayed in pretty much the same way. Demon possesses person, person changes, person now evil, some fool tries to exorcise in Latin, the end. No wonder _Supernatural_ doesn't do it any different. 

However, their demons aren't _all_ completely evil. Some are good in an evil way, some are evil in a good way, some are something in between, some are sometimes evil and sometimes good. Shades of grey, no black or white. But they all share one certain thing: they have goals. 

Ruby, for example, just wants to be the best. She has her mission, sure, but that mission isn't even near as important as her desperate want for recognition. She’s basically a fame-whore. So, in order to manipulate Sam and the others, she’s all good for an evil purpose. 

Meg starts out pretty evil. Then turns kinda good. Then back to evil. Then kinda good again. She’s the sort of demon switching between being good and evil all the time. Why? Because her goal is neither good nor evil, she only serves herself and her own purposes. She’s in a way somewhere in between good and evil. 

And then there’s Crowley. The villain we love, the lover we hate. Hate to love him, love to hate him. He’s not strictly evil or good either, much like Meg he only serves himself and his goals. And powerful is what he wants to be. So he does some evil shit for good reasons, and some good things for evil reasons, sometimes somewhere in between, sometimes going through phases of being good, sometimes through evil phases. He’s practically a mixture of the above. The perfect villain, the perfect ally, the perfect nemesis, the perfect friend. Struggling and fighting and hoping and inhuman in such a human way, it’s almost ridiculous. 

Demons in _Supernatural_ are so damn complex and complicated, they are a fine piece of art. I remember seeing a demon for the first time in the show and freaking out a lot, because, yeah, demon. But now I’m rather like _lol, cool, demon, what’s his story?_ Because they are not the plain evil creatures anymore, they are not all black, they are **people**.

#### Satan, You Whiny Little Baby

Angels in _Supernatural_ are, in fact, the most humanized species in the show of them all. They are not only so deep in the shades of grey (rather than in the very white section, as one would expect) that they’re also wearing the color as some sort of uniform, but they are also so utterly different to what normal people (meaning non-SPN-fans) picture them like. They are _not_ flying babies in diapers, or blonde guys in white robes with fluffy wings and golden harps, or even just kind and protecting. They are, as any other being in the show, portrayed as **people**.

Most of them sure are arrogant little dicks, like robots taking orders from who knows who, careless assholes. But then, there are certain angels standing out of the mass of dicks (hehe…). 

Dear little Lucifer, for example, is anything but the red burning Satan with horns who’s nothing but evil. He might be stubborn, he might be bad, he might be selfish and an asshole, but he’s also a person. Someone with feelings and issues and problems, just like everyone else. 

Awesome Gabriel then, he’s very much a person as well. He’s struggling with the constant fight between his brothers, he’s struggling with himself, and he, too, acts a lot like a normal human being sometimes. He has human desires, he lives a human life in some sort of way, he fights with human emotions. 

And then there’s Castiel. Cas might be the most human of them all (and not just because he was actually human now and then). He hates, he doubts, he fights, he feels, he loves. He’s anything but a robot, he’s part of Team Free Will, serves humanity, not heaven. And no matter what his goals are, he always understands the essence of life itself. Cas acts more out of impulse and emotion than by that reason and rationality that normally are traits of his species. 

All those angels, they are heavenly entities, powerful celestial beings, but they don’t just appear human for their human vessels. They appear human for their flaws and emotions and their issues. They are portrayed as people like you and me - at least those that are significant and courageous enough to think on their own.

#### The Monster at the End of the Book

Yes, guys, I’m talking about Chuck. And Chuck truly is, in fact, a monster. A new one, and at the same time one of the oldest, a particular monster in his own kind of way, almighty like god, because he _is_ God. 

And God normally is connoted as truly good, as the Light, the one that saves us all, the one that _made_ us all. And while _Supernatural_ ’s version of God, Chuck, also made us all, his creation, he’s not truly good at all. He starts out pretty cute, I think, a writer, a person with visions, a creator. And he’s so much a person, it almost hurts. 

But then, painfully, he turns out to be nothing but a douchebag. Someone only caring about story, about drama, about entertainment. He’s a liar. Then again, that’s what writers are, aren't they? And apart from how brilliant it is that these are his own words even, doesn't that make him even more like a person?

As Dean once put it so perfectly in words:  
 _“I believe there is a god, but I’m not sure he still believes in us.“_  
Hey, if that doesn't say more than anything. No one ever thinks about God as a person, a person that could believe in something himself, just like we do. But does Chuck believe in anything? I’m really not sure, I can’t tell, can you?

To be honest, I’d really like to say more about Chuck, but he confuses me in so many ways, I can’t even begin to try and put my thoughts into order. He irritates me so much, and at the same time I really like that character, I can relate to him, even when I don’t want to. Kinda like the way I feel about Crowley; I hate to love him and love to hate him. 

Tell me, how do you feel about Chuck?

Now, we talked a lot about humanizing the inhuman, but what makes this show so brilliantly complex is that they do it the other way around, too.

#### You Lost Your You

Dehumanizing the actual humans in _Supernatural_ is a delicate thing that they managed just perfectly. I wish we’d see even more of that. I feel like the show runners are trying to explore life with us, in uncommon ways, showing human in monsters and monsters in human. As if asking, _What would that be like if a vampire turned out to be good in its heart? What if Crowley could find a piece of his human self back? What if Angels are dicks? What if God didn't give a damn? What would happen if one of the guys turned into something not human?_

And we get the answer to that last one.   
Soulless!Sam is a classic. He’s selfish, he doesn't really care, he doesn't feel anything. He’s not himself anymore and that only for one reason: he’s got no soul. And there we have what makes humans human, the soul. 

And then there’s Demon!Dean, his evil version much like Sam’s soulless one. Killing, slicing, not giving a damn. But he _has_ something like a soul left, right? He _does_ feel things, otherwise he wouldn't have run away from his family, because otherwise he wouldn't care about their safety from him. But he’s clearly not human during that time. So what the hell? 

Does that mean souls aren't an indicator for being human? Do monsters have souls? Do demons have souls? What about angels? Why can everyone be kinda human, even when not completely human in a physical way? 

Is being human a choice after all?

And that there, that’s the thing I love about _Supernatural_. It raises questions over questions and we never really get to have all the answers. It’s frustrating sometimes, really, but it’s nonetheless interesting. It’s drawing us into the story, it’s making us addicts to the faint flicker of a chance to get the information we so desperately seek, but never really seem to reach. It’s kinda like science, with every problem solved there’s about ten other questions rising. 

And one of those questions (that crossed my mind before it actually happened in the show) is:  
 _What happens when creature and human mix?_

#### Mix It Up, Shake It Good, See What Happens

Interspecies-crossbreeds are definitely a topic in _Supernatural_. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see what happens when “ordinary“ monsters - such as vampires, werewolves, and the like - mate with humans (at least not that I can recall, correct me if I’m wrong, and also not talking about Dean’s daughter here, because that’s a whole other essay topic I guess), or more crazy mixes like, uh… angels and demons, or angels and werewolves, or demons and vampires… think about the cool offsprings they’d have, like wereangels, or dempires? I’m no good with combining names haha…

Back to the topic *ahem*… there’s two particular interspecies-offsprings I’d like to point out here. 

**1.** Demon/Human  
We get an idea of what that looks like with that cute little kid (Jessy?!?) they all call the _Anti-Christ_. What a nice little nickname.  
Now, we won’t talk about the specifics of two species copulating and mating and how that works and the like, which - most definitely - is an utterly interesting topic, but would most definitely go beyond the scope of this essay (I’m starting to consider to make that the topic of another essay maybe, now that I think about it). What I want to talk about here in this particular essay is the question of how that turns out, on a bigger scale of the question, _What counts more, genetics or outside influences?_ And also, _Which side of the genetics is more important?_

Can someone half-human and half-demon ever truly be good? Can someone like that ever truly be evil? Let’s put these questions aside for a moment and have a look at the second kind of interspecies-offspring.

**2.** Angel/Human  
A Nephilim. We see that one Nephilim murdered by Castiel and Metatron once and we learn that they are not at all accepted by heaven. Why? Because they are thought to be abominations and are by far too powerful and therefore too dangerous to be alive. And then there comes Jack, even more dangerous for being the son of Lucifer. And we all wonder, whether or not that’s okay. Being Lucifer’s offspring can’t be a good thing, right? Can he ever be truly good? Or is he doomed to be evil just because his father happens to be Lucifer? 

So, what counts more, genetics or outside influences? Can the son of a demon or the son of Lucifer himself be a good person? Can you teach them to be good? And what does good even mean? Being half-human means they have human traits in them, but then again, are all humans _good_? I’d say no within the blink of an eye. 

And what we learn throughout the show is that Jack truly fights to be a good person. And that’s what they all are, **persons**. It’s what they do and choose to do, not what they’re supposed to do because of what they were born like. 

 

The core of all of this, the humanizing of inhuman beings, the dehumanizing of humans, and the outcome of mixing both, is the fact that we, the audience, can _identify_ with all of them. Me, I can honestly say I’ve identified with at least one of each species throughout the show, and you know what? I don’t feel bad about it, I’m not even weirded out at all. Because _Supernatural_ manages in its amazing ways to make all the characters, no matter what they are, people. 

And now, ladies and gents, let’s finally get to the end of this chapter by brutally and lovingly slicing out the lesson I learned by that fact.

_No!_ I scream violently, _No, it’s not “Don’t judge a book by its cover“!_ It fits, I’ll admit that, but it’s not what I learned. It’s…  
 _ **What’s important is not WHAT you are, but only WHO you are.**_

Well, that’s that. See you another time around, my angelic demonic monsters.

Sincerely,

SiSuSi.


End file.
